Healthy & Lovely

It’s been a week since last time I worked out. I thought I needed some rest. Now I don’t have ANY motivation.

My University exams are in 2 weeks. I’m kind of stressed. But I can’t concentrate in studying… Last weekend I went to a friend’s prom, in which I saw… TADA! My ex-boyfriend. I was doing perfectly fine until I saw him… And ever since I haven’t been able to sleep or eat properly. I’ve seen him unexpectedly 4 TIMES this week. Yesterday I saw him twice. First I was with my best friend, and I saw him walking to his house, my heart started pumping so fast I had to have my friend put her hand on my chest and feel it. I honestly was scared. Second, I was walking to meet a friend, but he told me to wait for him ‘cause he was running late. So, while I was approaching the spot where we were meeting, BAM, there he was. And I couldn’t help saying a pretty loud “GODDAMMIT!” in the middle of the street. Awks.

Seriously… I hate to admit it, but I REALLY LIKE this guy. It gives me fucking butterflies thinking about him and about all the things I want to tell him. Worst part is he hangs out with the same group of friends… And I’m sure he’s pretty good without me. But I need to tell him so many things… It was my fault that we broke up… Fucking eating disorder… This sucks ass, really. I will talk to him as soon as I can… I don’t mind if he thinks I’m mental, or that I’m obsessed… But damn, he was SO important, and still is. The only thing I worry about is that I’m quite sure that he’ll be okay being just friends… And I couldn’t handle it. It’s selfish. I’m selfish. But I need him.

I’m sorry guys I just said all that. Well, don’t think anyone will care anyway.

lovefitspo:

Always.

(Source: feelfreelikeabird)

First, yesterday I attended my second interview with my psychologist… And it honestly felt good. She could tell that I actually am better than I was back in March when I first saw her, just from my looks. She told me I looked leaner and my face was brighter. I could only confirm what she said, it’s all so different now that I managed to get my feelings out and let close people know what I was going through. We spent almost an hour talking, and she agreed to see me one more time this summer and we’ll see if things still are going well.

Second, today I made a HUGE accomplishment. So now that my classes are over I stay at home in the mornings and I’m alone most days. That is a huge trigger for me, because when I’m alone I am very likely to binge. I’ve been capable of controlling what I eat the last few days, but always ended up indulging (no biggie, it still means a lot to me to be able to eat fairly right). But this morning I felt like I needed to do it. I wanted to stuff my face with some junk my mum bought yesterday. I even grabbed a cookie packet, with the intention to eat it all. And you know what? As I walked out the kitchen, I thought: “why am I doing this? I don’t even want to eat now, this is totally unnecessary”. I turned around and put the cookies back where they were. 

I AM SO FREAKING PROUD OF MYSELF!!